You’re probably wondering where I’ve been for the past week (well, hopefully you are!). And really, I have several good excuses which I will proceed to post about today and this weekend (in no particular order: culture shock, television, and tourism).
First up, culture shock.
I think I’m in phase 2, or maybe 3, of culture shock* - the I-hate-everything or I’ll-put-up-with-it-because-I-have-to phases respectively. Several things are annoying me and otherwise, I’m just a bit complacent / blasé about being here.
(*I am referring to an article by Kay Clifford from University of Michigan (at least I think it was her) – a summary is here . I have to give kudos to Professor Barbara MacHaffie at Marietta College. She was my Freshman Seminar advisor and while I cannot remember what the theme of my Seminar class was, I think I reference the culture shock article monthly. I read that 13 years ago and I still remember it, use it, and find it relevant!)
This whole week I’ve been feeling very uncertain / not at ease with what I’m doing at work. It’s just that I’m not 100% sure what it is I’m supposed to be doing, and whenever I am given direction, or come up with it on my own, I soon discover that the focus has shifted and what was once important no longer is.
Also, I think all of us at work are just a bit over stressed and uncertain about or futures due to the GDF SUEZ merger. I think 95% of us in the Operations team (Logistics, Trading, Shipping, Portfolio) have each other’s best interests at heart and are working for the good of the team, company and each other. But that 5%.... It’s difficult to keep spirits up and be ‘normal’ when no one knows for sure what his/her new job description will be (will there be enough responsibility, is it a good career move, etc.) nor when he/she is expected to move (Sept, Oct, Jan, not defined, etc.) Adding these uncertainties to each person’s already quirky personalities is a bit much.
Earlier this week at work, the Lucinda Williams song “Are You Alright” came on my iPod. (Link here for lyrics and video with audio.) Whenever this song comes on, it always gives me pause and makes me think. The lyrics are just so haunting – the beat, the constant questioning “are you alright?” just make me think. “Are you alright? All of a sudden you went away…Are you alright? Is there somethin’ been botherin’ you?” Even now, when I found the link for the lyrics and video, I couldn't keep typing or surfing, I just had to stop and listen.
I think the major thing that’s bothering me is that I have no friends or acquaintances or mentors or anyone in London except my coworkers. And, even then, I really only socialize with 2-3 of them. Makes for a very small circle. I am missing having non-work related people in my life! I think that's really getting to me. Sure, I can complain about people or tasks to coworkers, but they have their own complaints, and it’s just not good to be gossipy or whiny like that in an office of Type A Personality Over Achievers. You don’t realize until it’s gone how good it is to (1) be able to vent to friends just for reason of venting; (2) have friends who will agree with you just because you're friends; (3) have friends who will give you advice based upon what they know of you, not what they think is best for the company / you in the company; (4) listen to your friends vent about their jobs because their venting can lend insight into your own issues; (5) I'm sure I could go on...
I contemplated not posting any of this, thinking ‘why would I want to post anything about my insecurities, worries, etc.’ but part of me just needs to vent this, and part of me realizes that if I don’t post it, I’ll be presenting a false picture of myself. I’m reminded of two things – one is the Jimmy Buffett song from the Banana Wind album that goes "Some people never find it, some only pretend; But me, I just want to live happily ever after, Every now and then."
The other is from the movie You’ve Got Mail, where Meg Ryan’s character expresses some of her concerns and sadness, typing (thank you IMDB): "Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void."
I’d be a fool if I thought life was happy-go-lucky all the time and I have to remind myself that it’s ok if it’s not. Good night.
Friday, July 11, 2008
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4 comments:
"Some people never find it, some only pretend; But me, I just want to live happily ever after, Every now and then." - Buffett
Yay for Reverend Jimmy. I've had "Songs You Know By Heart" going 24/7 since I read A Salty Piece of Land. "Mother, mother ocean, I have heard you call . . ." Sigh. When's the next flight to Exuma?
Anyway, thanks for your post. It was real. There's far too little of that online. I just had this discussion with my friend Stephanie, as we both joined Facebook this year and have found we can take or leave it. Although it's handy to keep track of who's living where, which birthdays are approaching, etc., it's largely surface material. No one would ever post a picture of themselves sitting around disheveled in their PJ's, blogging and eating a pint of Chunky Monkey. Nope, the pictures are all fabulous (a la US Weekly), and the stories and wall comments are all meant to impress. And, when someone does post something open and honest, the collective thought seems to be, "Oh, don't bring the rest of us down with your whining. Where are your latest drunk bachelor party pictures from Vegas?" Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas . . . and gets posted on Facebook.
There's a fine line, to be sure. Plenty of bloggers post TMI, but it makes perfect sense to explain the realities of being an expat. I really don't want to hear about your last visit to the endocrinologist, but I do like hearing what it's like to wake up one morning, two months into living on another continent, and realize you're *there.* There's no return flight scheduled to depart in three days. You know where the best grocery is, so now what?
You asked: "why would I want to post anything about my insecurities, worries, etc." Answer: because we care. And, we've been there, too. Keep posting!
Here's another song lyric for you:
"And if the night runs over / And if the day won't last / And if your way should falter / Along this stony pass / It's just a moment / This time will pass." - U2, "Stuck in a Moment"
ditto andrea, seriously. I have never had an experience like yours-- every time I've gone to another country I've always had a date that I knew I was coming home. I'm not sure how I would feel knowing that I am *there* with only a few friends who also happen to be co-workers. I'm pretty sure I would freak out completely. You're certainly handling it better than I ever would!
oh yeh, and I tend to avoid Lucinda music completely when I am away from home or in a period where I am questioning everything in my life! she is awesome, but she makes me think WAY too much!
Hey Megs, If blogs had pages to turn, this post would be the best page turner so far. Not to discount the others, but we do care and we are very interested to know the ups and downs of your transition there. We miss you so much in Boston--can't wait for you to come back in August! I'll try to arrange a few "fireworks" to make sure it's easier for you to head back to London, wondering why you missed us so much to begin with! (j/k)
Oh yeah, and I don't know any Buffet (Buffett?), so I'll quote from Sting from "Englishman in New York" (who, by the way, is the butt of a very dirty joke that a certain Englishman once taught me--remind me to teach you in August). "Be yourself no matter what they say."
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